Confidence has been a hard thing for me to sustain in my life lately. The only place where I feel truly comfortable and confidant is either on the stage or in the studio dancing. It is a place where I can recognize opportunities to learn and grow and where I can feel confident that, in time, anything I try to do I can do well with. I may not master it and that is something I struggle with in everything but I do my best. A key element to my learning process with dance is through observation. I identify that as one of my skills that enhances my ability to excel and sometimes learn more quickly than most.
Having listed one of my strengths, it is time now to move on to something I’m struggling with currently. Choreography. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, the first rehearsal went smoother than I had expected and I was hoping for some similar experiences for the next few rehearsals. No such luck. I have lost my confidence in my artistic abilities and it is frustrating to go into rehearsals with a few planned moments which go completely opposite of what I want. They don’t end up being straight up crap but nothing is turning out to be what I absolutely LOVE. Again, I strive for perfection and mastery and it’s difficult to do that in anything, especially with any form of art.
There are many styles of choreography, as you’ve read in previous blog entries and I’d say I enjoy the process where the choreographer instigates a conversation with their ideas, everyone puts in their ideas and the choreographer makes the final decision. I like inputting my ideas to help shape the overall look or concept that the choreographer wants. It’s easier to be that person where the pressure is off of you.
What’s different in my case is…I’m the one who has to start the discussion! I’m the one who has to make the decisions! I’m the one who has to know what they’re doing! I can’t just use my skill of observation and observe how to choreography a 5 minute piece. It’s a struggle and it’s hard but I’ve done it before and things will get better; I just need a game plan now.
I know this all sounds stressful (it is) but it’s totally worth it. There are just moments when you lose confidence in yourself and your abilities and that is what I am struggling with at this point in time. I’m getting wrapped up and believing I’m in quicksand when I really just need to get it together and believe that I’m doing it right. Confidence. It’s key. I’ll move forward with that.
Photo: Sara Tollefson
